YOU HAD ONE (STEVEN) JOB(S) 

APPLE IS THE LITTLE LEAGUE ASSISTANT COACHES SON WHO HOLDS DOWN RIGHT FIELD AT EVERY TOURNAMENT INCLUDING OCCUPYING THE 8 HOLE IN THE LINEUP BECAUSE HIS DAD DOESN’T HAVE THE COURAGE TO TELL HIM HE IS THE WORST PLAYER ON THE TEAM AND HIS DAD IS VITAL TO THE 12U TEAM TO COACH FIRST BASE.  WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT SOMEONE HAS TO DO THAT JOB, AND WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, SOMEONE HAS TO BE YOUR CELLPHONE PROVIDER; CALL IT DOING YOUR STEVEN JOBS.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A NAP AND I WON’T DISCUSS THE TIME OR THE DAY BUT YOU CAN GUESS BY ME WITHHOLDING THAT INFORMATION, MOST ABLE BODIED AMERICANS ARE PROBABLY AWAKE OR HAVE NOT CONSIDERED THAT AN APPROPRIATE TIME FOR A SIESTA.  WHEN I WOKE, I WOULD SAY THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF REFRESHED WAS MY STATE OF MIND. MY PHONE WOULD ONLY FLASH LIKE IT WAS BOURBON STREET ON MARDI GRAS. I CAN’T GET IT TO TURN ON WHICH DOESN’T MAKE MY PHONE THE FIRST OR THE LAST PERSON TO SUFFER FROM THAT ISSUE ON A FRIDAY IN MY ROOM.  I DIGRESS. APPLE IS GETTING LET OFF TOO EASY HERE.

SO I CONTACT THE CUSTOMER SERVICE.  I SAYS TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE “KEVIN (HIS NAME) FIX THIS” AS IF DOESN’T JUST HAVE A SCRIPTED LIST OF RESPONSES HE CAN PROVIDE.  KEVIN, WHO MENTALLY IN MY HEAD HAS A DEGREE FROM M.I.T., RESPONDS WITH A HOST OF UNHELPFUL OPTIONS. SO KEVIN AND I HAVE A NICE BACK AND FORTH AND KEVIN REALIZES WE AREN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIGURE THIS SITUATION OUT WITHOUT SPEAKING SO HE ASKS IF HE COULD GIVE ME A CALL. SO I SAYS TO KEVIN AND I MEAN VERY POLITELY, “UNLESS YOU ARE MR. GATES KEVIN OR ARE GIVING ME A RECAP ON WHAT YOU DID TO FIX MY PHONE, I THINK YOU ARE MISSING THE CRUX OF MY PROBLEM."

KEVIN BOOKS ME AN APPOINTMENT AT THE LOCAL APPLE STORE. THEY CALL IT A GENIUS BAR I THINK WHICH I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT IS A FAIRLY LIBERAL USE OF THE TERM GENIUS.  I MEET MY GENIUS WHO INSTRUCTS ME TO SIT AT THE ARTS AND CRAFTS TABLE THAT IS CONSIDERED A CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK. I WATCH THE MAN DO THE EXACT SAME THING WITH MY PHONE I DID AT HOME TWICE TO ONLY BE CONFUSED BY WHY IT WASN’T WORKING. HE BRINGS OVER THE “SENIOR TECH”. THIS ARROGANT ASSHOLE I WILL JUST SAY PRETENDED LIKE HE TOLD STEVEN HIMSELF HOW THESE THINGS WORKED IN 2007. HE PROCEEDED TO DO THE SAME THING WITH JUST A DIFFERENT COMPUTER AT OUR ARTS AND CRAFTS TABLE. IT TURNS OUT, HE WAS OUT OF OPTIONS WHEN THE ONE TROUBLESHOOTING SOLUTION THE COMPANY PROVIDES DID NOT WORK.  THEY FOUND ONE SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: BUY THE NEW PHONE WE JUST CAME OUT WITH.

HERE IS MY GRIPE THAT I HAVE WITH APPLE.  EVERYONE WANTS TO DO THIS, BUT WE ONLY LET APPLE GET AWAY WITH IT. IMAGINE IF AN F-150 JUST STARTING SHUTTING OFF MID USE BECAUSE FORD CAME OUT WITH THE F-150 LIGHTNING AND YOU HAD TO UPGRADE; WE FREAKED OUT ABOUT A COUPLE CAMRYS WITH A STICKY ACCELERATOR, IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO FORD BROUGHT YOU TO A HAULT DOING 82MPH ON THE INTERSTATE.  THIS ONE WILL JUST BE FOR THE RUNNERS OUT THERE LIKE ME WHO ROUTINELY WORKOUT AND MAINTAIN A SCULPTED BODY, IMAGINE IF YOUR TREADMILL WENT OUT MID WORKOUT WHEN YOU WERE JUST HITTING YOUR SECOND WIND?

APPLE IS THE LITTLE LEAGUE ASSISTANT COACHES SON; AS BAD AS YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE THEM IN YOUR LINEUP, THE CONSEQUENCES THAT COME WITH HAVING THEM OUT OF IT MAKE IT MUCH EASIER TO JUST DEAL WITH IT. AND LIKE THE ASSISTANT COACH'S WIFE, YOU'RE ALREADY IN BED WITH THEM, MAY AS WELL JUST PUT UP WITH THE RELATIVELY MINOR INCONVENIENCES. 

-WITH LOVE, BOGGS